Journal Entry 005: Performer/Audience

April 23rd, 2023

11:29 PM

Los Angeles, CA

Vulnerability is something I've struggled with a lot recently.

Opening up to others, sharing feelings, or divulging intimate details about my fears and excitements - That's easy.

That's what vulnerability is, though… right?

Right.

It's more the performance of vulnerability and connection that leaves me scratching my head and overthinking.

How does an audience: a dinner table surrounded by my closest friends, a private journal entry for my eyes only, a potential partner, an annoying coworker, a faceless conglomerate of viewers online... shift the way in which my vulnerability manifests itself?

Right now, as my fingers tap away on my keyboard and I craft whatever this piece is; I'm changing and deleting and revising the way I articulate my thoughts because I know, in the back of my mind, that you're reading this. I want to sound composed, in tune with myself, hopefully not too pretentious, relatable... Anything that makes you a bit more inclined to like the idea of me and stay connected with my words. My private journal entries, though? Those are scattered, hardly coherent, and A LOT more revealing.

stepped back from the camera and spent a lot of time writing since tour. west hollywood, March 2023

But what level of self-importance do I possess to even think that what I deliver is worthy of your consideration and time in the first place? To write something with the expectation that it will be read by you is a bit narcissistic, no?

If the creation of art were truly a selfless act, then why is the release and consumption of it so necessary to the process? Is my art even authentic if the knowledge of its eventual consumption by others influences the very act of creating it?

I was led to believe that the "self-indulgence" inherent in the creation of art is wrong. It's selfish and cocky. Creations and parts of myself that I held so close and personal were renounced by those around me. A sense of rejection that I wrongly took very personally.

"I guess it's the JT show now..."

"You sure love the spotlight for yourself, huh?"

"I don't like any of the things you're making."

”It’s not that deep. You’re being annoying.”

It made me shut down. It messed up my relationship with art, vulnerability, and connecting with others quite severely for some time. In an Inception-like fashion, I was eventually convinced that anything in service of myself or my personal tastes, even outside of creation, was outright wrong.

Creating with a sense of entitlement and lack of consideration, however, is what eventually brought me back. There is no wrong way to make art.

The only prerequisite is I MUST make things for myself - regardless of the audience that may be receiving it.

Me, backstage on the feral joy tour with maggie rogers. feb 2023. photo by josiah van dien.

See, I still write this with the knowledge that it will be released to the public, and that you'll eventually read it. Where I now find comfort, though, is in my disconnection from the reception. All I can hope to do is create something true enough to my core that maybe the right audience will find and appreciate it for what it is.

I liken it to those Ichiran Ramen restaurants in Japan where your order is delivered to your small individual cubicle through a window on the counter. The chef has performed their job and releases the product to the customer, all without seeing one another or exchanging a single word. The performer/audience relationship is at its purest - uncorrupted by the expectations of pleasing one another. Each can exercise their duties of creation and consumption without fear of upholding the assumed needs of the other.

Connection and vulnerability are integral to creation, and it feels good to have a bit more clarity on what that means to me.

On that note, I’ve stepped away from social media a considerable amount these past six months. The constant comparisons and inclination to present myself and my “brand” really started to take a toll. These journal entries continue to be my favorite way to stay tapped in and in tune with the incredible community we’ve garnered. Also, I have a newfound relentless focus on creating and building out what is shaping up to be the biggest project of my life. Something for me.

Thank you for believing in me, my friends, and the things we make. I’m so very grateful for all of it. I’ll see you when it’s time to bring this next project to life.

Until then, here’s a playlist of the music that helped me stay grounded in the highs and lows of these past six months.

Bonus: I asked Chat GPT AI to read this journal entry. It suggested a better conclusion but I'm happy with what I wrote, so I asked what it would write:

"In the end, vulnerability, connection, and creation are all intertwined. As much as we may try to disconnect them, they remain inextricably linked. What matters most is staying true to ourselves and creating for ourselves, without worrying too much about the reception or approval of others. It's important to find a balance between being vulnerable and authentic with others, while also maintaining a healthy sense of self and autonomy. By creating for ourselves and finding ways to disconnect from the pressures of external validation, we can cultivate a deeper sense of connection with ourselves and with others. Thank you for joining me on this journey of self-discovery and creativity."